This is my trans journal!
Basically, I want to document my journey as an FTM multigender guy, especially my HRT journey. So here's where I'll do it!
Memories of early childhood where I would start developing my ideas of my gender are blurry, but my mom did say I never got along well with girl groups. I have many memories of not liking toys marketed to girls, how ecstatic I was to get a dinosaur toy as a christmas present, always wanting to hang out with my brothers' friends, etc.
I realized my queerness when I found out the definition of "aroace" from Alastor from Hazbin Hotel. It was just like, "Wow! That's me!" And ever since then I hung out in queer spaces online. I realized I was genderfluid in about 2020, but started getting more dysphoric and really realized what it meant to be trans in 2021. I tried changing my name to Apriori despite openly transphobic classmates and stuff but still went with it (because fuck transphobes).
I cut my hair short in Sept. 2022 and haven't turned back to ass-length hair since. At some point I came out to my family as trans by just shouting it down the stairs as I walked up them during dinner time (in my defense I was delirious from a fever). Since then they've gotten used to me buying men's clothes and using men's shampoo/conditioner/body wash etc. and they got a binder for me. My highschool is trans accepting and I have other trans friends there, and I get to be out and proud which is a very welcome change from Grade 9.
My future plans were to wait until adulthood to decide if I wanted to go on HRT or not, but I got fed up with voice training and decided to say fuck it, I want testosterone. I told my parents and they were supportive of my decision.
Yesterday I got my referal to the gender clinic. The doctors appointment was right after school, and it's always a long drive, but when I got there I was sooo anxious the doctor would deny me but they went ahead and let me go! They asked me how long I've had the desire to be a man and what extent I'd wanted to transition (how much hormones and surgery etc.) Then they said eventually I'd get a call from them. I'm so excited!
At the same time, however, I now realize how much of a privilege it is to be able to go on HRT. To have accepting and supportive parents. At school, my friends will take any opportunity to rag on their transphobic parents, and they have to deal with constantly being misgendered and getting transphobic comments when they correct people on their pronouns. I think about all of the people that have to resort to DIY HRT and I realize that I'm in a very privileged position right now.
I just got back from seeing my GP. He showed me a letter that said I had to wait 'til I was 17, which is kinda bullshit, but at the same time I understand because my older friends agree that you hit a really big milestone in terms of maturation when you're 17. I guess they're just wary of a detransition scenario happening especially because they don't think I'm mentally stable + I have sexual trauma. It's kinda funny that I got called mentally unstable though.
He also gave me a sheet of a fuck ton of resources. I might post them online 'cause that shit shouldn't be limited to people who can see a doctor or whatever. I'm looking through the sites now...and most of it seems to be for younger kids who haven't done much research or for parents. Kinda disappointing, but what can you expect? I'd think from a piece of paper coming from my doctor there'd be a document about exactly what transition entails, all the surguries possible and what T and E will do to your body and things such as, but maybe I dream to big. Oh well. I've already kinda found resources like that on my own anyway. I'll probably give the paper to my mom, she'll find more use out of it than I will.
Man, I'm kind of bummed out. I did some soul searching and I realized...I'm not multigender. Well, me as an alter isn't multigender. As a system I'm still collectively multigender. But me alone? I'm just a man. Turns out that my super complicated queer identity was just passive influence from other alters, and that's a really shocking realization to have. All these communities I was in, are no longer for me as an individual. That's the other alters' space to be in, not mine. And I just have to accept that. I'm perplexed.